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The calm between the storms

July 28, 2013


Today the rain was pouring down and the sky was grey-full of dark, heavy clouds. There wasn’t any light shining through-I am not sure if the sun was even trying. Then, the rain became a drizzle, the heaviness of the clouds began to lift, and the sun was finally beginning to fight hard enough to break through and brighten the sky. The air was moist with the remnants of the rain, the trees dripping the last drops. I closed my eyes and I could feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, proving to me that even though the storm was here, it has now passed. When I reopened my eyes, there were blue skies above me. I reveled in its beauty. Then, I looked into the distance and I saw the dark, heavy clouds close to the horizon. I took a deep breath, trying to hold on to the serenity of the moment, yet deep down a fear began to rise inside me. I began to wonder if the luminous clouds were the ones that had already passed? Or are they new clouds, bringing a new, more powerful storm towards me? I tried to hold on to the only true reality-that, for now, in this present moment, the skies above me are blue. I can’t control whether those dark clouds will move in my direction, so I shouldn’t fear them. I should just LIVE this moment, ENJOY this moment, for this moment is the only one that is real, and in this moment the sun is shining. Yet no matter how much I try and believe this thought, and hold on to it, the dark clouds in the distance, with their unknown strength and fury, keep reminding me that the blue skies may not last for long.

My present calm

In April, I had surgery to put me all back together again. Just like Humpty Dumpty:) 12 months of continuous treatments and my body was pleading for a break. I think God must have heard me, because the scan I did right before the surgery seemed clear, my blood levels were close to perfect, and I had reached a point in my cancer journey no doctor thought I could ever reach-there was no evidence of cancer in my body. This, in short, was a miracle. As the month passed, I recovered from surgery, went back to work full time and was able to jump back(well, briskly walk back) into living my life. Of course there are days full of frustration, days of pain, days where the after effects of all these treatments knock me on my ass, but these days come, and then these days pass. And in between, I am living some of the best days of my life. I have been adjusting to my new normal and trying not to let its limitations limit my living. I have definitely kept living.

I recently had another scan. This scan was not as perfectly clean as the last one and the accompanying blood tests are equally what we could call less than perfect. Basically there are certain markers in your blood that can help determine if the cancer cells in your body are thinking about getting together and having another party. Well, mine seem to be gearing up for one hell of a night. So the question is, are they set on getting ready for the party of the year or can I convince them to sit this one out. I am doing all I can to let them know we could have a much better time doing something else. In September, we are going to check in on them an see what they are up to, but for now, I am going to keep working on convincing them to not hang out with eachother.

So here I am-during the calm between the storms. Hoping this next storm loses its strength and changes direction before it comes ashore.

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One Comment
  1. nanette costello permalink

    I really hope that the storm will quite and everything will remain calm. Luv U Kris.


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