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The latest update as to where I stand

March 30, 2014

3 months have already passed. I fluctuate between the feeling that time is passing quickly and that time is standing still. When a scan result comes back with cancer; the days, weeks and months after pass by so incredibly slow. Each day…can feel like a lifetime. When a scan comes back good, with either less cancer activity or on the rare occasion it shows NED; the days, weeks and months after seem to pass so quickly. Then, before I know it, I am here again. About to find out where my cancer stands, where I stand and trying to prepare myself for whatever decisions will need to be made.

No matter how many scans I have had( this will be number 10 in the PET field column of testing), no matter how much research I have done, no matter how secure I am in the choices I have made so far, NOTHING can truly prepare me for the news that lies ahead.

In September, I had a scan that told us several lymph nodes had become enlarged and my cancer decided to wake up and start partying again. The news knocked me down for a minute, but I quickly stood up and decided I would up all the antics-all the holistic, non-toxic ones. I put myself on an amped up strict regimen and even though many people disagreed with this choice- it paid off. I had a follow-up scan in December and the active lymph nodes had shrunk by half and were much less metabolically active.( they didn’t light up as bright blue as in September.)

For the past three months, I have continued my strict regimen, exploring and adding additional herbs, exploring and finding more curative oil, juicing my 45 ounces of carrot juice a day and being more regimented about exercise, specifically my yoga practice. I have been trying my best to keep both my body and my mind strong and fit. With that being said, over the past few months I have experienced hours, or even days at a time, where I just don’t feel quite right. I have told myself: it may be a virus, it could be overexertion, it may be a mild infection….it may be many things. Or… may be my cancer. If I let my mind travel in that direction, I wander into a mind field of dark, luminous thoughts. I being to wonder: What if it is in my brain? My lungs? My liver again? Once I let that train of thought begin its journey, I end up racing down the track in the middle of a hurricane full of fears. Sometimes, I have to let myself explore these thoughts, to feel these thoughts, but I know, if I stay on that train in the middle of the hurricane too long, it may pick me up and blow me away. So as the treacherous storm beats down on me, I make the conscious decision to change tracks and travel back to the part of my mind that gives me peace, the part that focuses on reason-the part that gives me the most strength. I remind myself where I have already been, what I have already overcome, the impossible odds I have already beaten, and deep down I find the faith in myself I need to face this next scan.
I convince myself that no matter what this scans reveals, I will still be me. I will still have breath. I will still have choice.

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