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January 4, 2015

What is the more important feat… heal your soul or heal your body? To one extent, these are separate entities and to another extent they are one and the same. If it came down to having to choose which one to heal, I would choose my soul every time. I have learned from experience that the damage that can be done to our souls far outweighs any damage that can be done to our bodies.
What may seem completely unreal, is that in this moment, in this exact moment, even though my body is failing me, my soul feels complete and healed. My soul, once again, feels like my own- even if my body does not.
When I was sixteen, my soul shattered into a million pieces. When Scott died, I experienced the loss of my true love, my soulmate, the loss of innocence, the loss of hope, the loss of faith and the loss of self all at once. Before he died, I was full of all these incredible gifts. The keys to happiness, the secrets to truly living. From when I was a little girl, life amazed me on a daily basis. I found joy constantly. I began each day with wonder and excitement for what lie ahead and I ended each day with gratitude for the sheer gift of being alive. I guess, looking back, I was an old soul from the beginning.
Many people do not know this about me, but when I was six months old I almost died from meningitis. I was in an incubator and could not even be held. I had to fight for my life and I won. I think that experience strengthened my soul and somehow instilled in me the lessons about life that are meant to be learned. Then, at sixteen, I lost my way. For many years after that, I was too shattered to try and begin to find my way back to the girl I was before. The girl with the old soul. In my late 20’s I realized that I needed to take the necessary steps to repair my soul. I needed to find the person I was before and bring her back. So I set off to Italy to begin the process of healing. For four years, I woke up every day in my “new” life and set an intention to heal. I set an intention to live. I set an intention to find myself and repair the pieces of me that had been broken for so long. Over time, these intentions seemed less overwhelming. It was a rebirth, a renewal. I found myself little by little. I found the girl I had lost the minute his eyes closed. I filled myself with a new found innocence, a new sense of hope, a new sense of faith and a new sense of self. I found me. I knew I still had many ways to grow, but I think in life, we never stop growing and I realized our souls thrive on that notion. I thank God I had given myself the opportunity to grow and heal as much as I did before cancer decided to enter my life. The girl I was before, the girl who left for Italy at 29 years old- that girl would never have had the strength to face this disease. The girl with the shattered soul, the girl who had lost her way. This girl, the woman I was becoming, the woman I am now- well, she has the strength. She has the strength to try and heal her body because she has already conquered the incredible task of healing her soul.
When I lay in these machines, when I have these tubes attached to my chest pumping chemo through my veins, when I am going under anesthesia and putting my body in the hands of those doctors, I feel safe. Not because I know my body will survive, not because of the notion that my body will be healed- I feel safe because I know that even if my body can not endure this disease, I am truly blessed because now, the woman I am now, has a soul that will survive and thrive even if my body can not.

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