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Holding on to hope,while hoping for the biggest miracle of all

February 1, 2017

My hands don’t know how much longer they can hold on to it.

For hope is not an easy thing to hold on to, when you’ve had to hold on for so long.

It keeps trying to slip out of my fingers. It keeps telling me to let it go.

I look down and I see my fingers doing all they can to not let that happen.

For I know, that without hope, there are no miracles.

Miracles rely on belief and hope in order to exist.

They are not wasted on those who do not have the strength to believe or do not have the faith to have hope.

I know these things to be true, because I have relied solely on my strength,my hope and my belief that I will rise above so many times, when there was nothing else left to hold on to. 

In those moments, when this cancer tried to overcome me, I was blessed with miracles beyond what science could have possibly done alone.

So, I sit here, and I clench my fists even harder, trying to find something inside of me to hold on to all these things that I need to make it over the biggest mountain that just landed  right in front of me. 

I have been told I need to climb this mountain as soon as possible, before it gets too big for me to even attempt to try.

As these thoughts run through my mind, my fingers burn and bleed and beg in pain.

Through my tears, I look down at my hands and pray that I am holding on strong enough. But what I see, makes me cry even harder, makes my heart hurt even more, makes my mind feel even weaker and makes my body just wrench in more pain. 

For what I see, scares me more than anything else I’ve seen before. Quickly seeping through the cracks of my fingers is not only my hope, but also my strength and my belief that I will make it through. 

I suddenly realize I have stopped breathing, so I take the deepest breath of all and let my hands release. 

Who is this person ? Where have I gone? This is not who I am, this is not who I ever was, and this is not what I will ever be. 

I have never had to clench my hands so hard to hold on to any of these things. 

My hope, my strength, my quest for knowledge, my endless research, and my pure belief that I WILL make it through the hardest of times, even when all the odds are against me, these things are WHAT MAKES ME, ME. These Things run through my veins, they are what makes my heart beat, they instilled within my soul.

So here I am. 

I am HOPE. I have HOPE. My heart,my mind, my body, my being, is full of HOPE.

I have the  STRENGTH to face and survive the biggest beast I have yet to meet on this cancer journey.

I I believe that I will survive one way or the other. My soul, my spirit, my being – they are too strong to not survive.

I have too much left to do, so much more to see, I am not done with this world just yet. 

I need to spread the strength of HOPE .

Because sometimes, that is all we have, yet it can be more than enough to get us through.

One Comment
  1. Stephen morris permalink

    Kristen That is beautiful my family’s thoughts ,prayers and hopes are with you always ! Your strength and determination is an inspiration to all of us !! May GOD bless you and keep you strong ❤❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

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