Kristen’s journal

“What can you write when there are no words left to say? When your soul is begging for rest and your mind can’t stop spinning. When you keep trying to find your ground, but you feel like a rootless tree. Spinning and spinning, not knowing which direction you are facing. I keep looking back – to past experiences, past mistakes, past pain. Wondering where along the road of life, death began to set in?  

Every new experience has an air of loss woven in. Wondering if these will be the last memories you make, and if they are, are you making the right ones? Then wondering in the end – what do these memories even mean? When you close your eyes for the last time, where do they go? Do they stay with you or vanish in the dust you leave behind?

I feel I have run my course – that the life I have led is somehow telling me to please let it go. Please let me rest. Please let me be.

I should be grateful. I should feel blessed. Shouldn’t I? When you are given 3 months and live over 4 years, you are one of the lucky ones, aren’t you? 

I have beaten the odds. I have proven the universe wrong. Yet when I die, people will still say that the cancer won. She fought so hard, but she lost the fight. Or that I gave up, I gave in, I wasn’t strong enough. Well, I was strong enough, I didn’t give in, I didn’t give up, the cancer didn’t win. 

 All I want my tombstone to say is – ‘She was so tired she just wanted to close her eyes, she just needed to sleep. But she was ALWAYS A WARRIOR’. ” – Kristen